Ten Ways to be a Better Father
Expectations for fathers are greater than ever before.
They're taking on more responsibility at home, while
the demands at work have never been higher.
Here are ten ways to be a more effective father, during
the precious time fathers do have with their kids:
1. See your kids as capable
The achilles heel of many fathers is to see their
kids as "not good enough." Your kids will feel this,
and they'll live up to these expectations. The more
you approve of them, the greater they'll be!
2. Make time for your kids
There will always be more work, but you won't always
have the chance to be with your kids. Are there ways
to include them in chores around the house? Your kids
will know if they matter to you, by the effort you make
to include them in your day.
3. Use positive forms of discipline
Punishment is not very effective. It tends to create
more of the very behavior that fathers are seeking
to eliminate. Use natural and logical consequences
instead-if you don't pick up your toys, they calmly get
put in a bag, and taken away for awhile. Give them
choices. Positive discipline methods help kids learn
responsibility, while punishment helps them learn to
dislike you.
4. Have a great relationship with your spouse
You are the main role model for your kids, and this
is the main source of information about how to have
an effective, loving relationship. They're watching
very closely to learn how to do it.
5. Be aware of your kids lives
How much do you really know about your kids? Are you
aware of their hopes and dreams? Do you know what
inspires them? Do you know their friends names? What
they like and dislike about you? If there are things
you don't know about your kids, you can always ask!
6. Be nurturing with your kids
Hug and kiss your kids, and let them hear plenty of
"I love you's." And, don't forget to wrestle with
them! Both boys and girls benefit from wrestling with
their dads. Kids need to see your "fun, physical side,"
but they need to see your "soft side" too.
7. "Really" listen to your kids
Put down the newspaper and look your kids in the eye
when they talk to you. Be aware of your own tendency
to "filter" what your kids say. Reflect back what you
heard from them. If you want them to listen to you,
you've got to show them the way.
8. Examine your relationship with your own father
A poor relationship with your own father will affect
your ability to be an effective father. Are there
things you want to say to your father? Forgiving
your father will help you to father to the best of your
ability.
9. Take care of yourself
It's difficult to be kind and nurturing to your family
if you're not kind to yourself. Find ways to take the
time to relax, exercise, and keep your stress levels
lower. And use friends and family to support you-don't
become an "island" in your family. Your family will
appreciate it.
10. Have a plan for your anger
Men can have a difficult time with the emotional
intensity that families bring up. The result is often
anger, which breeds anger in your kids, and creates a
vicious cycle. Make a plan with a specific relaxation
technique that helps to defuse your anger. Remember
that one bad episode can impact your kids for a long
time.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to
be better fathers and husbands. He is the author
of "25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers"
Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, "Dads,
Don't Fix Your Kids," at http://www.markbrandenburg.com
Lisa's Comments
What a fantastic article - and not just for fathers. Mothers could use this advice too. The only one I have some qualms with is the one about forgiving your father. There are a lot of people walking around out there who have had some pretty awful things done to them by their parents. I don't think forgiving is always possible or advisable. I think not forgiving and never forgetting is the only way to protect their own children from the same type of abuse, from their own hands or from the hands of the people who did it to them.
Even if it was just verbal abuse, there are lifetime repurcussions. I want my children to grow up without that saddle around their neck.
They're taking on more responsibility at home, while
the demands at work have never been higher.
Here are ten ways to be a more effective father, during
the precious time fathers do have with their kids:
1. See your kids as capable
The achilles heel of many fathers is to see their
kids as "not good enough." Your kids will feel this,
and they'll live up to these expectations. The more
you approve of them, the greater they'll be!
2. Make time for your kids
There will always be more work, but you won't always
have the chance to be with your kids. Are there ways
to include them in chores around the house? Your kids
will know if they matter to you, by the effort you make
to include them in your day.
3. Use positive forms of discipline
Punishment is not very effective. It tends to create
more of the very behavior that fathers are seeking
to eliminate. Use natural and logical consequences
instead-if you don't pick up your toys, they calmly get
put in a bag, and taken away for awhile. Give them
choices. Positive discipline methods help kids learn
responsibility, while punishment helps them learn to
dislike you.
4. Have a great relationship with your spouse
You are the main role model for your kids, and this
is the main source of information about how to have
an effective, loving relationship. They're watching
very closely to learn how to do it.
5. Be aware of your kids lives
How much do you really know about your kids? Are you
aware of their hopes and dreams? Do you know what
inspires them? Do you know their friends names? What
they like and dislike about you? If there are things
you don't know about your kids, you can always ask!
6. Be nurturing with your kids
Hug and kiss your kids, and let them hear plenty of
"I love you's." And, don't forget to wrestle with
them! Both boys and girls benefit from wrestling with
their dads. Kids need to see your "fun, physical side,"
but they need to see your "soft side" too.
7. "Really" listen to your kids
Put down the newspaper and look your kids in the eye
when they talk to you. Be aware of your own tendency
to "filter" what your kids say. Reflect back what you
heard from them. If you want them to listen to you,
you've got to show them the way.
8. Examine your relationship with your own father
A poor relationship with your own father will affect
your ability to be an effective father. Are there
things you want to say to your father? Forgiving
your father will help you to father to the best of your
ability.
9. Take care of yourself
It's difficult to be kind and nurturing to your family
if you're not kind to yourself. Find ways to take the
time to relax, exercise, and keep your stress levels
lower. And use friends and family to support you-don't
become an "island" in your family. Your family will
appreciate it.
10. Have a plan for your anger
Men can have a difficult time with the emotional
intensity that families bring up. The result is often
anger, which breeds anger in your kids, and creates a
vicious cycle. Make a plan with a specific relaxation
technique that helps to defuse your anger. Remember
that one bad episode can impact your kids for a long
time.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to
be better fathers and husbands. He is the author
of "25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers"
Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, "Dads,
Don't Fix Your Kids," at http://www.markbrandenburg.com
Lisa's Comments
What a fantastic article - and not just for fathers. Mothers could use this advice too. The only one I have some qualms with is the one about forgiving your father. There are a lot of people walking around out there who have had some pretty awful things done to them by their parents. I don't think forgiving is always possible or advisable. I think not forgiving and never forgetting is the only way to protect their own children from the same type of abuse, from their own hands or from the hands of the people who did it to them.
Even if it was just verbal abuse, there are lifetime repurcussions. I want my children to grow up without that saddle around their neck.
posted by Lisa at 7:58 AM
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